Goodbye and Good Riddance 2013

I am so over 2013 and could not be happier that it is gone.  So many people I know have lost loved ones this year.  March 25, 2013 was the single worst day in my life, because on that day, I knew I would never hear my Mom’s voice again on this earth. It has been over nine months now since I have heard her laugh, seen her beautiful smile, held her hand or painted her nails…..writing makes me feel closer to her…and is healing for me. So here we go.

So much has happened in such a short time. In November I said goodbye to my dear friend Patrick. It was all so sudden; I didn't really even have time to comprehend what actually happened.  Since I lost my Mom to cancer, it is really hard for me to be positive when I hear of someone else who has cancer. But I was positive this time. Oh no, Patrick was going to be just fine, and he was going to be a success story… I just knew it. God was going to heal him, and use him for His glory. And four short months later….he was gone! It is so hard to fathom that your six year old has lost two people that he loved in 8 months time, and your very best friend has lost THREE loved ones in SIX months time. It saddens me that I had to tell my son that another person that he prayed SO hard for God to heal- is now in Heaven. Of course, I made it a positive, he is happy, he is with his Daddy and Jesus, and Mimi is taking care of him….but when he looked at me with those big brown eyes and said “oh no Mom, I love him….he always plays with me when he visits”… it broke my heart and brought me back to the night I had to tell him about his Mimi. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, next to watching my Mom slowly slip away.

It was very surreal to be helping my friend look for pictures for the Memorial slideshow for her young husband, when just eight short months ago she had showed up at my door and was helping me pick out pictures for Mom’s service. My best friend has amazed me with her strength and faith in God. Just being around her makes me happy and watching her go through so many trials and still not waiver in her faith has challenged me to step up my faith, get my head out of the sand, and to begin to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I am not angry at God, but I did get very wounded by losing my number one fan, my confidant, my heart…my Mom.

Mine and my Mom’s favorite verse was and still is Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you, and not harm you, to give you a future and a hope”. We even made a poster to hang over her hospital bed at home when she was put on hospice. My hope was that God would heal Mom- but her future was in Heaven. I get that, but even as a believer it is so hard to swallow the “cliches” –“oh be happy you had so many years, at least she is no longer in pain, she is watching over you now, you have to be strong for her, she wouldn't want you to be sad" I've heard these over and over..….and of course I know these things. But knowing this still- my heart is broken and will take a very long time to heal, I lost such a big piece of it, I’m not sure it will ever heal completely.

I do okay most days. But all it takes is a thought, a song, a photo, a memory, or even a smell, and it all comes rushing back to me. I have survived all the “firsts”… Easter, Mother’s Day, her Birthday, Halloween (yes even Halloween was bittersweet because I missed her care packages with chocolates for my son) Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday without her special touches and thoughtfulness. I even went to check the mail the Friday before my birthday, hoping for a card from her. WHO does that?? I know that I know there would be no way (except a miracle from God) that a card would arrive from her, yet I did it anyway. My husband said, maybe that was her way of sending me a virtual card by having me check….either way I laughed about it. The last “first” is her Angelversary, which is fast approaching.

I have declared and decreed that this year…2014 is going to be my best year ever. 2013 was my worst (well to be honest 2011 and 2012 were not so great either – I may share more details later) and 2014 is going to be my best. God is going to do something great through me this year- and I cannot wait to share it with my family and friends.

I have been told that life after losing a loved one is a “new normal”. Life will never be that way again. With this New Normal Life- comes New Normal Faith…your faith will never be that way again- maybe…it can be better, stronger, deeper! Maybe this is Gods way of helping me deal with my emotions, or to show others as I have read- that grief is a passage. Maybe no one will read this, - Maybe Baby…  either way I am doing what God is telling me to do.

 I promise the next post will be half this length. Be blessed.

But Those who HOPE in the Lord, will renew their STRENGTH. They will SOAR on wings like EAGLES, they will RUN and not grow weary…they will WALK and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31.