Another Test of Faith

If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you?  Luke 12:26-28


Not what we want to hear...right?  But yet here I am....with another test.  I will not go into details at the moment, but it definitely is going to be something that I will have to lean on God for.  I will have to trust Him that there is a reason for this.  I will have to believe that no matter how minor this may seem to someone else- that God knows it means the world to me and is breaking my heart. I know there are many many people dealing with worse things, but I also know that God counts the hairs on my head- so he cares about everything that his children care about. I will have to believe that God will give me the wisdom to make the right decisions.  Sometimes I want to say- enough already!  Can we please have a break!  God knows the beginning and the end- it is not my  job to figure it out, only to trust in his timing and purpose.
 


  More than anything, I want my Mom right now. I look at her picture and just wish she could talk to me.  I want her to tell me that everything is going to be fine, and that God has equipped me to handle this. I want her to put her arms around me and tell me that she is proud of me and I am doing a great job.  I want so badly to hear her say- "I love you Baby Girl."  Would that make it all go away?  Of course not, but it sure would make me feel better.

Maybe you are going through a trial you do not understand.  In times of trials I always go back to my favorite bible verse.  Jeremiah 29:11.  I have stood on that verse many days and will continue.

The test will become a testimony one day.  I can feel it.


Be Blessed!

Never Once.....

 

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once"

here is part of the chorus....

~Never once did we ever walk alone...
~Never once did you leave us on our own...
~You are Faithful God- You are Faithful....

Some of you may remember that I did a video about Mom's cancer success when she
was declared NED (No Evidence of Disease) in February 2012.  This is the song that I used
because it seemed to perfectly describe Mom's journey. I love this song because it talks about looking at how far you have come, and the knowing that God was with you every step of the way.

Now this song has a new meaning to me.  Of course I will always have the memory of the video, but now- this song reminds me how God has been with me through my grief.  God has not left my side since I heard my Mom say the word "cancer".  He has held me many tearful nights, and when I felt that I couldn't stop the pain, my heart would never stop aching He was always there.  He gave me the strength to stay positive and truly have faith that He can do all things according to HIS will.

He has been with me every step of my journey as well.  Learning to live without your Mom is far more difficult than I could ever have imagined.  It is so true what they say you don't know how much you miss someone until they are gone. I look at her photos and I can't believe - even now that I will no longer be going to her house for the holidays, or getting ready for her visits.  We used to do countdowns to visits... 20 more days Mom, 10 more days, 5 more days!  We would be so excited to see each other.  I do not know the countdown of the days until we are reunited, but I am sure my Mom is keeping track.

Without Faith- I could not have made it this far.  I know that never once have I walked alone.  God is always right there- quietly encouraging me to take one more step, and another....and another.

Here is my favorite part of the song.....

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone!


My son and I sent her balloons and flowers last week for her 1st Angelversary in Heaven.  My son loved the thought that he can still send his Mimi messages and gifts for her special days.  I miss her so much - but I know Mom is not alone in heaven....and I am never alone on earth.  I am so thankful for that.


For those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their STRENGTH, they will SOAR on wings like Eagles, they will RUN and not grow weary, they will WALK and not faint.
Isa. 40:31

Be Blessed!

Angelversary

It is hard to believe I have lived a year without my Mom.  I never imagined I would have to live without her so soon. She was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.  She was the most wonderful person- anyone who spent any time with her could attest to that.  She was beautiful inside and out- and loved with everything she had.  She was the type of person that truly would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  She could laugh at herself- and was laid back and easy going--unless you messed with her family!  She raised so many kids over the years through her daycare and was very proud of that accomplishment. 

I moved away thirteen years ago, and we didn't get to see each other as much as we would have liked.  There were times that we only saw each other twice a year.  We talked almost every day, and as texting and facebook became more common we did that too.  When my son was born, that changed- my Mom made every effort to come see us as often as she could, and we did the same.  She loved being a Mimi.  The last two years we spent more time together than we did the entire thirteen years I had been gone.  I am so thankful for that time.

When she got sick- my Mom amazed me.  She was so full of faith, and people that came to visit her would leave encouraged- when they were the ones that came to encourage her!  She fought with everything she had, celebrated the victories and thanked God for her healing in advance.  As her body and her mind turned against her- in her moments of clarity she still praised God- and then told us that she had made her peace.  That was when it became real that she could be leaving me....soon.

Watching my Mom slowly leave this world will probably go down as one of the most difficult times in my life. I really had to lean on God to make it through.  I would go to see her as much as I could- and every time, she got a little worse- it was heartbreaking.  I never let her see me get upset- and believe you me, from diagnosis to hospice, there were several times she would look into my eyes for a reaction when something happened- or we got a bad report.  I remained positive, and told her how proud I was of her.  I know we were so scared- but in my mind, we both remained strong for our family.

The last day I was there I didn't want to leave.  Something was telling me to stay but I didn't have a choice- I had to work that Monday. I didn't tell my Mom good-bye. That last week she would get very upset and cry when someone would leave so I was asked not to tell her goodbye so I left when she fell asleep.   I had to stop off at my best friends house because I was so distraught and couldn't see through my tears to drive.  Looking back- I think I knew in my heart of hearts- that would be the last time I would see her on this earth. I really wished I would have said good-bye anyways.

At 4:00 a.m. on March 25, 2013- my Dad called and told me my precious Mom had went to be with Jesus.  She left peacefully in her sleep...I am so thankful for that.  I lost a piece of my heart that day. The drive there, and the days that followed I felt numb.  I think I was in shock.  I went through the motions and thought I was going to lose it when we had to pick out her burial plot, casket, and music.  I was basically in charge of everything.  I had to make the best of the situation and put my heart and soul into planning her service and eulogy.  It was like I was watching a movie- I will never forget it.

I miss her so very much.  I am sad that she will not see my brother get married, or my son graduate high school.  She never got to stay in the room we designated as "Mimi's Room" in our new home.  There will be no more trips to the lake "motorboatin" with a coors light in her hand. There is so much that I am going to miss....there is so much she is going to miss.  I am thankful for the memories I made with her.  I have so many- that I can look back on and smile.- I have many pictures and videos as well.  I am thankful that she is in Heaven now, and I know she is blessed beyond measure because she did so much for others on this earth.  God Blessed me with an amazing Mom who taught me so much about life, love, faith and strength. I see so much of her in me now that I never noticed before.   I am my Mother's Daughter.

Be Blessed!

~Patty's Baby Girl