My Mother's Eyes

I was changing my desktop background at work with this photo- and something caught my attention-
my Mother's eyes.  I never noticed it before but if you look closely you can see around her eyes are red from crying- but they are happy tears.  This picture was taken the day we had a early surprise birthday party for her.  I made her favorite "pineapple upside down cake" and when she was outside playing with her grandson we managed to decorate and get everything ready without her knowing. She walked in and was shocked as we began to sing happy birthday.  She told me many times this was one of her favorite days.  She told me how much it meant to her for to go through all that trouble just for her.  This was in 2010 which was one year before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. 

It got me to thinking about her eyes and  how people used to tell me they could tell who my mother was by my eyes.  I always took that as a compliment.  I see more of her features every day when I look in the mirror- something I am very proud of.  I always thought my Mom was a natural beauty,  not many people can go around without make-up and look amazing- I know I can't!  My eyes are my favorite feature (not being conceited) and I have her to thank for that.

When I think of my Mother's eyes, she looked through her eyes of faith.  She inspired me so much because she never quit and never gave up.  She always believed in God's plan, even though it may not have been the plan she had in mind.  She had eyes of determination, with every treatment- with every doctor visit- she was determined that she was going to fight until she had no fight left.  She had eyes of love...when I came to visit,  the way she would look so excited and run to the door to give me a big hug - I miss those days.  She had eyes of compassion- anyone who knew her could attest to that.  She was the first one ready to help anyone in need whether she knew them or not.  Whether someone had a death in the family, a fire, or an illness, she would rummage through her closets for items to donate or cook up a big meal to take over.

 I miss my Mother's eyes.  I miss how she would look at me when I tried on something she bought for me. She would always say "that's so cute!" and then she would say "You are probably too old for "cute" but you will always be my baby girl."  I miss how she would smile and tear up when she was   proud of me.  I even miss her "look" when I knew I was in trouble (mostly when I was younger, she could stop me in my tracks with one look).  I miss how when she laughed her eyes smiled too.  I have heard a saying "The eyes are the window to the soul" and I believe that is so true.  Mom has a beautiful soul.

As a travel down this road I am finding ways to cope with my Mom's death.  What has helped me most is remembering.  Remembering her eyes, her voice, her smile and her hugs.  I lean on God during the tough days and remember the good times. I pray that the Lord will give me the courage and the wisdom to honor her memory and help others.  I hope people can see that I also have the compassion, love, determination and faith like my Mother does. 


Be Blessed!

Holidays

I didn't realize it has been a month since I have posted!-- It just goes to show you how busy summertime really is. Between weddings and traveling- this summer is flying by!  This weekend I was able to spend time with family at the lake.  I had a great time and it was nice to get away.  I was telling a family member  how grateful I was to have a new tradition to replace Mom's tradition for this holiday.  One of the toughest things about losing your Mom is having to create new traditions to replace the old ones you realize you probably took for granted.

 The Fourth of July was one of Mom's favorite holidays next to Christmas.  As often as she could, she would invite family and friends over to grill out and watch fireworks.  She loved getting everyone together and was the best hostest- always making sure everyone had their drinks and plates and was buzzing around laughing and joking with everyone.  She loved taking pictures and was her happiest when she was surrounded by family and friends.  It was also one of the times every year that we went to visit.  Believe it or not before she got sick I only saw her two-three times a year.

A few years ago- she bought my son a slip n slide and had it out when we arrived.  Since my son didn't know what to do- it was only natural that my Mom show him how its done!  Me, Mom and Shelbi spent the whole day on that slip and slide.  I am sure it was a pretty funny sight to see a 32 yr old and a 40 something year old running back and forth- belly busting and cracking up the whole time!  The next day Mom and I could barely move we were so sore but both agreed it was worth it.  :)  We videod the whole thing and even though it is hard to watch without tearing up- it makes me laugh so hard.  She was so much fun!

I am totally a kid at heart- I am the first one to vote to watch fireworks and I know exactly where I got it from.  Mom loved fireworks- and as I was watching them this year I thought to myself- "Mom, you have the best seat in the house- I hope you love it as much as I do"  and I snapped some photos.
This one- I was told by my friend Jenney- has an angel in the bottom right corner, and I smiled because I believe she is right :)

Be Blessed!

~Kristy

 



Another Test of Faith

If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you?  Luke 12:26-28


Not what we want to hear...right?  But yet here I am....with another test.  I will not go into details at the moment, but it definitely is going to be something that I will have to lean on God for.  I will have to trust Him that there is a reason for this.  I will have to believe that no matter how minor this may seem to someone else- that God knows it means the world to me and is breaking my heart. I know there are many many people dealing with worse things, but I also know that God counts the hairs on my head- so he cares about everything that his children care about. I will have to believe that God will give me the wisdom to make the right decisions.  Sometimes I want to say- enough already!  Can we please have a break!  God knows the beginning and the end- it is not my  job to figure it out, only to trust in his timing and purpose.
 


  More than anything, I want my Mom right now. I look at her picture and just wish she could talk to me.  I want her to tell me that everything is going to be fine, and that God has equipped me to handle this. I want her to put her arms around me and tell me that she is proud of me and I am doing a great job.  I want so badly to hear her say- "I love you Baby Girl."  Would that make it all go away?  Of course not, but it sure would make me feel better.

Maybe you are going through a trial you do not understand.  In times of trials I always go back to my favorite bible verse.  Jeremiah 29:11.  I have stood on that verse many days and will continue.

The test will become a testimony one day.  I can feel it.


Be Blessed!

Just one of those days....



So today is the day that every month I dread.  The 25th... every month like clockwork I am more emotional, irritable, and sad on the days leading up to this day.  I try to tell myself that I need to be happy, and that I have so much to be happy for- which I do.  But I also have to give myself a break.  Grief has no timeline.  I can go weeks and feel fine and then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is how grief works...

We are going through the motions after my son's eye surgeries- getting check ups and making sure that everything is on point. I had "one of those days" and  I broke down and just said out loud- "I want my MOM!" and just sobbed and sobbed.  Luckily a facebook post caused my dear friend to reach out to me because she knew something was wrong. I was thankful for our talk- but she understood that in that moment, I just wanted to hear my Mom say- "you are doing a great job, and its going to be ok!"  She always knew just the right thing to say to make me feel better.

I am sure I am not alone in this- and I know that God understands that I am going to have those days.  The good thing about it all- is I don't stay that way.  I get it out of my system, usually have a good cry, and then I feel better. I pray and believe for God to continue to pour His Peace into my life.
This truly is a journey.  I have learned so many things that I feel will change my life forever. 

This is my top 10 list of things I have learned....

1.  Mom's really are the "glue" that holds the family together.

2.  We take advantage of the little things- a text, an average everyday phone call - and don't realize the value until we no longer have it.

3.  Enjoy each day- it sounds so cliche- but every day is truly a gift.  We are not promised tomorrow.

4.  I am a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

5.  Sometimes death brings people closer- and most times it pushes them further away.

6.  God allows visits from Heaven through dreams. (my favorite)

7.  Friends are God's way of taking care of us :)  (not my quote)

8.  Wearing my Mom's clothes make me feel closer to her (may be silly but it works for me)

9.  It's ok to cry and be sad for as long as I need to - its normal and I am not alone.

10.  Talking about my Mom  makes me feel better.


I have good days and bad days- even over a year later.  On my bad days, you can almost bet that you will see me in my Mom's boots and sweater, t-shirt or carrying her purse.  If you are grieving, do what makes you feel better.  Find someone who will listen to you talk about your loved one- that is all they have to do - LISTEN.  When I talk about my Mom often it is about her LIFE- not her death.  At this point in my journey, I talk about my Mom all the time- to anyone and everyone who will listen.  I think if nothing else, talking about your loved one is the best therapy you can receive.



Be Blessed!

Spreading the light

I heard a quote last week that really touched me.....
 

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle,

or the mirror that reflects it." ~Edith Wharton

 

What an awesome thought- I was thinking about this and then it hit me... my Mom is the candle and I am supposed to be the mirror that reflects the light!  I have heard so many people say that my Mom's story has touched them in some way. I have had many people tell me she was such an inspiration and a blessing to them.  I personally know two people that have quit smoking partly because my Mom had lung cancer - so I feel my Mom helped save two lives as well.

 

I want to spread awareness- so people will realize that ANYONE can get lung cancer.  I want people to realize that if they have any kind of pain or sickness they need to go get checked out! My Mom's started with lower back pain, and the just thought she was getting old (her words) at 49 yrs old. She had a bad cough- but she was a smoker...so cough comes with the territory.   I want to shake people when I see them smoking, show them a picture of my Mom in 2011 and then in 2013 and say- are you sure you want to put that cigarette in your mouth!?  I don't want to do it out of judgement, but out of love. Lung cancer does not get that much attention, as it was once told to me- because their are not many survivors/advocates. I could share so many scary statistics but I will save that for another day. 

 

Since I would probably go to jail for shaking people- :)  I joined the committee for the first Lung Love Walk with the Lung cancer Alliance in Houston that will be happening in November of this year.  It makes me feel good to know that I am working to raise awareness and support.

This is an opportunity to shine the spot light on lung cancer awareness. This is my way of being the mirror and moving forward- I will participate in the planning as well as the walk itself.   Honoring my Mom's memory is just another step in my grief process and my "new normal" life.  

 

I will be sharing more details about the walk  in the near future -for now I ask that you pray for me in the coming months that I will be the mirror and that our walk will be a huge success and make Mom proud!

 

 

Be Blessed!

 

 

 

 

Never Once.....

 

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once"

here is part of the chorus....

~Never once did we ever walk alone...
~Never once did you leave us on our own...
~You are Faithful God- You are Faithful....

Some of you may remember that I did a video about Mom's cancer success when she
was declared NED (No Evidence of Disease) in February 2012.  This is the song that I used
because it seemed to perfectly describe Mom's journey. I love this song because it talks about looking at how far you have come, and the knowing that God was with you every step of the way.

Now this song has a new meaning to me.  Of course I will always have the memory of the video, but now- this song reminds me how God has been with me through my grief.  God has not left my side since I heard my Mom say the word "cancer".  He has held me many tearful nights, and when I felt that I couldn't stop the pain, my heart would never stop aching He was always there.  He gave me the strength to stay positive and truly have faith that He can do all things according to HIS will.

He has been with me every step of my journey as well.  Learning to live without your Mom is far more difficult than I could ever have imagined.  It is so true what they say you don't know how much you miss someone until they are gone. I look at her photos and I can't believe - even now that I will no longer be going to her house for the holidays, or getting ready for her visits.  We used to do countdowns to visits... 20 more days Mom, 10 more days, 5 more days!  We would be so excited to see each other.  I do not know the countdown of the days until we are reunited, but I am sure my Mom is keeping track.

Without Faith- I could not have made it this far.  I know that never once have I walked alone.  God is always right there- quietly encouraging me to take one more step, and another....and another.

Here is my favorite part of the song.....

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone!


My son and I sent her balloons and flowers last week for her 1st Angelversary in Heaven.  My son loved the thought that he can still send his Mimi messages and gifts for her special days.  I miss her so much - but I know Mom is not alone in heaven....and I am never alone on earth.  I am so thankful for that.


For those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their STRENGTH, they will SOAR on wings like Eagles, they will RUN and not grow weary, they will WALK and not faint.
Isa. 40:31

Be Blessed!

Signs

One thing I have learned in the months since my Mom passed- is signs are every where- if you just look for them.  I have had several incidents where I just know that it was my Mom sending me love from Heaven, and it makes me smile. 

There is a yellow butterfly that I see fly through my backyard every so often- and I can't recall seeing it before Mom passed.  Who knows maybe I just wasn't paying attention- but in my heart I feel it is my Mom's way of saying hello.  The morning of my son's birthday party I was setting up outside, thinking to myself how much I wished my Mom could be there...and just like that here comes the butterfly.  I have seen it a few more times since that day- and always when I am thinking about her looking out the window or sitting in the sun.

There are days when I am driving to work, and I feel sad because my drive to work used to consist of almost daily phone calls with her.  It's so lonely now not to have that daily dose of Mom- something I took for granted for so many years- and would give anything to have again.  Sometimes, when I am driving I will feel the sun beaming down on me, warming me, and I wonder if it is my Mom's way of giving me a morning hug.

The other instances have happened when I went to visit my Mom's grave.  I was talking to Mom and just telling her how much I missed her...out of nowhere a ladybug lands on my shirt next to my heart.  Immediately I recognized it as a sign from her, and the tears started to flow.  When I was with my brother, (another time)  we were both talking about her and how much we wished she was with us, and once again the ladybugs decided to join us!  This time there were many- some on her stone, her flowers, and on us! When one landed on my arm - I kinda flipped out at first thinking it was a bee, and my brother laughed.  I am sure my Mom got a kick out of it too.

Dreams are also another way that I feel God allows us to see those who have passed on before us.  I have had several dreams about my Mom and I am so thankful for them.  The one that sticks out in my mind was not my Mom, but my grandfather.  It was shortly after Mom had passed, and I was thinking to myself and asking God  if Mom could see me- all the tears and sadness...was I hurting her?  Well a few nights later my question was answered by my Pap-Pap.  In my dream he told me that my Mom was happy, that she missed us so much- but she could not see us right now. He told me not to worry, that when the time was right she would be allowed to see us from Heaven and even visit us in our dreams...but that there were no tears in Heaven, so God is not allowing her to see our sadness right now.  I don't know why but it made me feel so much better about everything. 

The dreams I have had have been more in the past tense, where I am in situations with her where we know what is coming, but I still get a big hug and a smile, get to smell her cooking and talk to her.  Some people may not believe in signs, but I believe that God gives us these little glimpses of our loved ones to help heal our hearts.  I look forward to many more signs from my Mom- I know she is looking down on me and watching over me- my forever angel....till we meet again.  And when we do, I am going to grab her hand- and never let go.


Be Blessed!

Don't put off till tomorrow......



So last night I went to the Rodeo- for our 2nd annual "GNO" (Girls night out).  We had a great time but I couldn't help but think that this time last year- I went to the Rodeo ten days before my Mom passed away.  I was very torn about going because I knew that my Mom was getting worse and felt I needed to be with her as much as possible.  After talking to my Mom, Dad and Husband, I decided that I needed a good night out away from all I was dealing with.  I laughed, rode death trap carnival rides with one of my best friends, and sang my heart out to Blake Shelton.  (out of tune but still had a blast!). 

The following week when I went to visit Mom- it was apparent that she was going down hill at lightening speeds.  I immediately felt guilty for going to the rodeo. I showed Mom the videos of me singing and screaming like a teenager, and told her all about my experience.  She smiled and told me she was glad I went.  Little did I know- that would be my last visit with her.  I left on Saturday, She passed away at 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning.

This is how amazing our God is.  I was alternating weeks to visit Mom if I couldn't go every single week - it was a 280 mile one way trip, plus I had my family and job to tend to. If I would NOT have went to the rodeo, I would have gone to visit that weekend- and would have missed the final week of my Mom's life. I get chill bumps just thinking about it. He knew it was about time for her to go home, but allowed me that little bit of time with her in her final days.  That little twist in events allowed me to take pictures, love on her and reassure her that she was going to be ok.

Before Mom was diagnosed, we had bought Taylor Swift concert tickets.  I was so excited to go with her, the last concert I had been to was years ago- and not with her.  We talked about getting shirts made so we could look cool and we were going to make signs. My Mom loved going to concerts and had been to several with my Dad and my brother.  Three short months later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  We had to sell the tickets because her body was too weak and her immune system was too low to be around that many people.  I REALLY wish we could have went to that concert.  I asked myself, why did we wait so long to plan that?  We could have went to see any of her favorite artists- at any time....and had that awesome experience together. 

The answer is simple....we believe we have all the time in the world, so there is always time to do everything.  We believe that we and our loved ones will be around for a long time...so we just say "next time".  Next year, next Christmas, next vacation- may not come, so my advice is to do it NOW.  We only have today.  It sounds cliche but oh so true....don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.  Our days our numbered whether we want to believe it or not.  What is one thing your Mom has been asking you to do, or if your Mom is no longer with you- your husband, daughter, son, or close friend?  Make those memories, because one day- it could be all you have left.  I am thankful that I made many memories with my Mom- and I will treasure them always.

Be Blessed!

 

It's okay to be sad...

 

I am learning from my experiences and others that most people just "say something" because they feel they have to when a person brings up the loss of a loved one. Sometimes- people will say things to me like "Don't be sad- your Mom is in a better place" or " You have so much to be thankful for- don't think about what you lost, think about what you have!" or " Your Mom would not want you to be sad!"or my personal favorite "Your Mom is no longer in pain- be thankful!" Even though we may nod our head and say, that's true, what people don't realize that saying these things- although they mean well, tend to have the opposite effect. Why wouldn't I be sad???? I have read -and I agree- that comments like these tend to make the griever feel guilty or bad about expressing their emotions, and do more harm than good.

  The day of my Mom's service - I will never forget...we were at my Mom's house and everyone was sitting around after the funeral- and I said "it doesn't feel right without Mom here running around asking people if they want something to eat or drink, she would love this"...and I teared up. Someone told me "Oh don't you do that- don't start crying- your Mom wouldn't want you to cry!" I wanted to say- "um hello, we just put my Mom in the ground TODAY and I am not supposed to cry???"...but I didn't, I just wiped away my tears and walked away.

The reason for the "rant" is because people need to understand that it is okay to be sad! Just because we are sad, doesn't mean we need counseling, nor do we need someone to tell us how to be un-sad. This is something many grievers struggle with and hide because they don't want people to think they need professional help just because they are grieving. Grieving is perfectly normal- and should be expected - everyone grieves differently.

  Below is a quote that says it perfectly in my mind.

"Grief never ends....But it changes.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness,
nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love".

~Author unknown


What I take from this quote is that we will always grieve in some way for our loved ones. Sure, as the years go by the sad thoughts and painful memories will be replaced with fond memories and good times. We are not meant to stay at that place where all we want to do is cry, but we must be given as much time as needed to continue on our path to healing.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, the best thing you can do is just listen. Let them talk about their family member or friend freely. Don't tell them you understand- because you couldn't possibly understand what they are going through....every loss is different. They may want to reminisce about good memories, or they may want share details of their journey if it was a slow loss. It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but I promise it is healing for the griever, and the more you listen the easier it will get. Chances are you will learn something you didn't know and will be able to get a glimpse into that persons experience and their heart.


Be Blessed!

Hope

Hope....

noun: hope; plural noun: hopes

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

 

I love this word.  Just saying it makes me smile.  Hope....a feeling of expectation. 

Hebrews 11:1 says Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

 

But sometimes- things happen,and no matter how much you hope and pray- believe and have faith- you do not get what you hoped for.  I was reading a book that was supposed to be about healing- and I actually threw it away after reading one of the q and a's.  The question was- why do some people get healed and others do not?  The answer- in a short form so I don't make myself angry- was "because they did not believe they could be healed- they did not "receive" their healing.

 

WHAT????  Does that mean they did not have enough hope?

 

Wait a minute- hold the phone.  They went on to say that this is not the case all the time....but.blah blah blah.... wow.  If I was someone battling cancer or any other sickness- and I did not have my beliefs firmly implanted in my spirit- I may think..."ok - so if I don't get healed its my fault." NO.  This is wrong, and it makes me sad that there are people out there who think that way. 

 

 

 

Anyone who knew my Mom- knew how much she had hope. Her and I both believed that she would be healed.  There were not any if, ands or buts about it.  It was just going to happen and we couldn't wait to see it.  When the tumors came back- it was ok because God had healed her once, and he would do it again.  Then she went to be with the Lord eight months later.

 

 There will come a day when I am reunited with her it will all be clear.  I do know one thing- it had NOTHING to do with her lack of faith, that she didn't pray enough or she didn't receive her healing. It wasn't because I didn't pray hard enough, or beg God enough.  God is not up there with a lightening bolt waiting for us to make a mistake! He certainly is not saying "Too bad, if she would have only had more faith I could have healed her!"  That is NOT our God. 

 

There is a song called It's Not Over by Ricardo Sanchez.  We played it at my Mom's service- and I listened to it probably more than 100 times in the months before she passed.

 

 

"I know its dark, just before dawn.

This might be the hardest season you've experienced. 

I know it hurts, but it won't be too long-

you are closer than you think you are-

you are closer than you have been before.

 

So look to the sky- help is on the way.

 

It's not over, it's not finished. 

It's not ending, it's only the beginning.

When God is in it...all things are new.

 

Something is moving, turning around
Seasons are changing; everything is different now
Here comes the sun piercing the clouds
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way
Our God is faithful, He's faithful to say:

It's not over.....

 

The song continues on for about six minutes.  It's a beautiful song of hope.

 

 

Mom had shared this song with me just weeks before she passed away. I remember sitting by her hospital bed trying not to cry as I listened to the words.  She had a smile on her face- and was singing along- with the tv turned up as loud as it could go.  I am so thankful that my Mom knew that God loved her and she was in line with His will.  She would tell me- "I have made my peace- if it's my time, it's my time."  Looking back- I believe that she was preparing herself for her journey to Heaven.

 

Up until recently, I had applied this song to Mom's cancer journey and then her death. The last part- "here comes the sun piercing the clouds"...gets me every time.  Now she gets to see the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets- everything is beautiful- and she is happy and whole.

 

Now I apply this to my own life.  "Something is moving, turning around- seasons are changing- everything is different now" - isn't that the truth.  But It's NOT over!  It's NOT finished!  It's NOT ending.  It's only the BEGINNING.  I have hope.

 

 

 

Be Blessed!

 

 

 

 

Valentine's Day

Ah yes....how could I have forgotten Valentine's Day? Just when I thought I was through the "firsts"...

This card stopped me in my tracks...I was looking for my husband and son a card when I saw the "Mom" section.  I had to blink back the tears because if it were any other time-I would be picking out one for my Mom too. I thought to myself..."this is the first year I can not give her a card".  I took a deep breath- and pulled out my camera.  Mom would have loved this card.  Its pink, and has a cute little pearl tassel on the side.  I won't go into what the card said on the inside- but you know the type...declaring your love, thanking you for raising me, you were always there for me- the mushy stuff that I totally would send my Mom.  She would call me and tell me---thanks for making me CRY!!!  (of course she was joking).

Valentine's day is actually my Mom and Dad's Wedding Anniversary.  They would have been married 30 years this year...my heart breaks for my Dad as I know this will be a tough day for him for more than one reason.  What was once a day to celebrate  many years of marriage is now a painful reminder that Mom is no longer here. 

  Every year, Mom would send my son a Valentine's "care package" with lots of candy, and usually a cute fluffy stuffed animal and a card.  He always loved getting package's from his Mimi.  And...she would put a package of the Hershey's hugs (which I LOVE) in there just for me.  Sometimes she would even put a restaurant gift card in there for me and my husband to have a nice dinner on her.  There was one time she sent me this super cute Teddy Bear that was totally unexpected...I still have it :) She was so thoughtful and made every holiday special.

Valentine's Day is the day of love for your significant other- but also an opportunity to show love to others. God has laid it upon my heart to start a new tradition on this day.  I want to do something for someone on this day that will show them that God tells people to bless them and to show them how much He loves them.  Maybe I will bake some goodies for my neighbor who is fighting breast cancer...I am not sure yet- but I know God will tell me what to do.  I know my Mom would agree this is a good way to combat a potentially sad day- and I recommend anyone who may be hurting on this day for any reason to give it a whirl!

Yes- I will surely miss that package in special holiday wrapping, with stickers all over it- that my Mom always decorated . I will miss my "HUGS"... and I will miss sending her cards.   I would be willing to bet she is up in Heaven planning a big party for Valentine's day- because everyone who knew my Mom, knows she loved a good party.



Be Blessed!

Why?

I was talking with my best friend Ashley the other day, and I was sharing with her how I had learned that my next door neighbor now has breast cancer.  I told her that I just don't understand why cancer keeps finding its way back into my life.  Its hard to really grasp unless you have been there, but every time that cancer shows itself, whether is someone you know or not-  it brings back all those painful memories.  Your heart breaks for the family because cancer can rip your family apart, it takes an emotional toll on everyone involved- and of course there is that chance that the person will not survive.  Then she said something that stopped me in my tracks...."have you asked God why?"  The look on my face said it all....no- I sure haven't.

My friend did not upset me, but I definitely jumped to defend myself.  She didn't mean anything negative, she just wanted to share with me that I can boldly ask God anything, like WHY?...or even better...WHAT?  What is the reason that cancer keeps popping into my life?  What do you want me to do with this pain God?  What are you trying to show me?  What do you want me to DO?

I guess I thought I wasn't meant to know the why...but to just trust God- that His ways are not my ways, you know scriptures people toss at you from time to time.  Maybe I was afraid that if I ask why- that my pain and borderline anger will surface-  or maybe that was my way of not dealing with the why- just don't ask!  The why is probably what I don't want to hear- but the what...now that is something that could bring healing and peace- doing something.

I am angry at the situation, that my Mom lost her life at a young 51, but I do not feel anger towards God.  After all- she is in Heaven now-pain free and with her family- and that is every believers goal- or finish line so to speak....right?  Yes- this is true- but everyone wants to finish the race together, but unfortunately that is not how it works. We are the ones left with the pain and sadness of losing our loved ones- to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts- they are having the time of their lives with our Lord!
 
I feel that God used Ashley to stir my heart...it bothered me enough that I thought about it for a few days . I even talked to my other best friend Heather, and she shared some insight that was right in line with what Ashley was telling me....and I knew it was one of those God moments that I needed to pay attention to.

So in my own way- I am slowly asking God what, and why.  I have said that this year is going to be the year of my Breakthrough- and that I am going to do anything I feel God wants me to do especially if it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  Asking these questions, and the answers- make me nervous.  Maybe I  am not ready for the why?  Maybe I am not yet strong enough?  This definitely qualifies for taking me out of my comfort zone!

One thing is for certain- God has revealed a small piece of the WHAT this week.  A few months ago- I reached out to the Lung Cancer Alliance on a whim- because I wanted to do something to honor my Mom's memory and raise lung cancer awareness.  She told me I couldn't have called at a better time because she has been looking for people to put together the very first "Lung Love Walk" in Houston of all places!  I have been waiting for her to touch base with me- and she contacted me this week to let me know we would have our first meeting in February to start the process to have the walk THIS year.  I am so excited to be a part of this and I do feel that this is part of the WHAT that God wants me to do.  

I am again reminded of my favorite verse...Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you- to give you a future and a hope...." and let me tell you...I am really excited about those plans!

Be Blessed!

When I don't Understand...

When I was at church Saturday night, we sang these lyrics....It spoke to me in such a way it took everything I had to keep from breaking down....

And when I don't understand
I will choose You

And when I don't understand
I will choose to love You, God

We sang these words over, and over....and each time the tears stung my eyes a little more...my heart ached a little deeper.  I guess it hit me in such a way because if I am being honest... there is so much I don't understand...and these lyrics brought me face to face with that fact.  I don't understand why such a wonderful, loving, kind, sweet mother who would give anyone the shirt off her back, had to endure such suffering and pain.  I don't understand why she left this earth at fifty-one, and not sixty-one...or seventy-one!  I don't understand why some people beat cancer, and more people do not.

 Even still....as the lyrics say- I will choose to love my God.  I know that God does not cause these things, and everything works according to his ultimate plan. I know that I am not supposed to understand....just trust Him.  When I cry my eyes out- missing my Mom, I will lean on Him.  When I feel that deep sadness that I wonder will ever leave, I will call out to Him.  I don't know if a day will ever go by that I do not ache for my Mom...she was one of a kind.  I feel like a huge piece of my heart is missing.  We had the best relationship, and I love her so very much.  I am thankful for time I did have with her. I pray that with time the pain will subside, and be replaced with the joy that she is in heaven with my Nanny and Pap-Pap, as well as many others.

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