Just one of those days....



So today is the day that every month I dread.  The 25th... every month like clockwork I am more emotional, irritable, and sad on the days leading up to this day.  I try to tell myself that I need to be happy, and that I have so much to be happy for- which I do.  But I also have to give myself a break.  Grief has no timeline.  I can go weeks and feel fine and then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is how grief works...

We are going through the motions after my son's eye surgeries- getting check ups and making sure that everything is on point. I had "one of those days" and  I broke down and just said out loud- "I want my MOM!" and just sobbed and sobbed.  Luckily a facebook post caused my dear friend to reach out to me because she knew something was wrong. I was thankful for our talk- but she understood that in that moment, I just wanted to hear my Mom say- "you are doing a great job, and its going to be ok!"  She always knew just the right thing to say to make me feel better.

I am sure I am not alone in this- and I know that God understands that I am going to have those days.  The good thing about it all- is I don't stay that way.  I get it out of my system, usually have a good cry, and then I feel better. I pray and believe for God to continue to pour His Peace into my life.
This truly is a journey.  I have learned so many things that I feel will change my life forever. 

This is my top 10 list of things I have learned....

1.  Mom's really are the "glue" that holds the family together.

2.  We take advantage of the little things- a text, an average everyday phone call - and don't realize the value until we no longer have it.

3.  Enjoy each day- it sounds so cliche- but every day is truly a gift.  We are not promised tomorrow.

4.  I am a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

5.  Sometimes death brings people closer- and most times it pushes them further away.

6.  God allows visits from Heaven through dreams. (my favorite)

7.  Friends are God's way of taking care of us :)  (not my quote)

8.  Wearing my Mom's clothes make me feel closer to her (may be silly but it works for me)

9.  It's ok to cry and be sad for as long as I need to - its normal and I am not alone.

10.  Talking about my Mom  makes me feel better.


I have good days and bad days- even over a year later.  On my bad days, you can almost bet that you will see me in my Mom's boots and sweater, t-shirt or carrying her purse.  If you are grieving, do what makes you feel better.  Find someone who will listen to you talk about your loved one- that is all they have to do - LISTEN.  When I talk about my Mom often it is about her LIFE- not her death.  At this point in my journey, I talk about my Mom all the time- to anyone and everyone who will listen.  I think if nothing else, talking about your loved one is the best therapy you can receive.



Be Blessed!

Never Once.....

 

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once"

here is part of the chorus....

~Never once did we ever walk alone...
~Never once did you leave us on our own...
~You are Faithful God- You are Faithful....

Some of you may remember that I did a video about Mom's cancer success when she
was declared NED (No Evidence of Disease) in February 2012.  This is the song that I used
because it seemed to perfectly describe Mom's journey. I love this song because it talks about looking at how far you have come, and the knowing that God was with you every step of the way.

Now this song has a new meaning to me.  Of course I will always have the memory of the video, but now- this song reminds me how God has been with me through my grief.  God has not left my side since I heard my Mom say the word "cancer".  He has held me many tearful nights, and when I felt that I couldn't stop the pain, my heart would never stop aching He was always there.  He gave me the strength to stay positive and truly have faith that He can do all things according to HIS will.

He has been with me every step of my journey as well.  Learning to live without your Mom is far more difficult than I could ever have imagined.  It is so true what they say you don't know how much you miss someone until they are gone. I look at her photos and I can't believe - even now that I will no longer be going to her house for the holidays, or getting ready for her visits.  We used to do countdowns to visits... 20 more days Mom, 10 more days, 5 more days!  We would be so excited to see each other.  I do not know the countdown of the days until we are reunited, but I am sure my Mom is keeping track.

Without Faith- I could not have made it this far.  I know that never once have I walked alone.  God is always right there- quietly encouraging me to take one more step, and another....and another.

Here is my favorite part of the song.....

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone!


My son and I sent her balloons and flowers last week for her 1st Angelversary in Heaven.  My son loved the thought that he can still send his Mimi messages and gifts for her special days.  I miss her so much - but I know Mom is not alone in heaven....and I am never alone on earth.  I am so thankful for that.


For those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their STRENGTH, they will SOAR on wings like Eagles, they will RUN and not grow weary, they will WALK and not faint.
Isa. 40:31

Be Blessed!

Hope

Hope....

noun: hope; plural noun: hopes

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

 

I love this word.  Just saying it makes me smile.  Hope....a feeling of expectation. 

Hebrews 11:1 says Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

 

But sometimes- things happen,and no matter how much you hope and pray- believe and have faith- you do not get what you hoped for.  I was reading a book that was supposed to be about healing- and I actually threw it away after reading one of the q and a's.  The question was- why do some people get healed and others do not?  The answer- in a short form so I don't make myself angry- was "because they did not believe they could be healed- they did not "receive" their healing.

 

WHAT????  Does that mean they did not have enough hope?

 

Wait a minute- hold the phone.  They went on to say that this is not the case all the time....but.blah blah blah.... wow.  If I was someone battling cancer or any other sickness- and I did not have my beliefs firmly implanted in my spirit- I may think..."ok - so if I don't get healed its my fault." NO.  This is wrong, and it makes me sad that there are people out there who think that way. 

 

 

 

Anyone who knew my Mom- knew how much she had hope. Her and I both believed that she would be healed.  There were not any if, ands or buts about it.  It was just going to happen and we couldn't wait to see it.  When the tumors came back- it was ok because God had healed her once, and he would do it again.  Then she went to be with the Lord eight months later.

 

 There will come a day when I am reunited with her it will all be clear.  I do know one thing- it had NOTHING to do with her lack of faith, that she didn't pray enough or she didn't receive her healing. It wasn't because I didn't pray hard enough, or beg God enough.  God is not up there with a lightening bolt waiting for us to make a mistake! He certainly is not saying "Too bad, if she would have only had more faith I could have healed her!"  That is NOT our God. 

 

There is a song called It's Not Over by Ricardo Sanchez.  We played it at my Mom's service- and I listened to it probably more than 100 times in the months before she passed.

 

 

"I know its dark, just before dawn.

This might be the hardest season you've experienced. 

I know it hurts, but it won't be too long-

you are closer than you think you are-

you are closer than you have been before.

 

So look to the sky- help is on the way.

 

It's not over, it's not finished. 

It's not ending, it's only the beginning.

When God is in it...all things are new.

 

Something is moving, turning around
Seasons are changing; everything is different now
Here comes the sun piercing the clouds
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way
Our God is faithful, He's faithful to say:

It's not over.....

 

The song continues on for about six minutes.  It's a beautiful song of hope.

 

 

Mom had shared this song with me just weeks before she passed away. I remember sitting by her hospital bed trying not to cry as I listened to the words.  She had a smile on her face- and was singing along- with the tv turned up as loud as it could go.  I am so thankful that my Mom knew that God loved her and she was in line with His will.  She would tell me- "I have made my peace- if it's my time, it's my time."  Looking back- I believe that she was preparing herself for her journey to Heaven.

 

Up until recently, I had applied this song to Mom's cancer journey and then her death. The last part- "here comes the sun piercing the clouds"...gets me every time.  Now she gets to see the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets- everything is beautiful- and she is happy and whole.

 

Now I apply this to my own life.  "Something is moving, turning around- seasons are changing- everything is different now" - isn't that the truth.  But It's NOT over!  It's NOT finished!  It's NOT ending.  It's only the BEGINNING.  I have hope.

 

 

 

Be Blessed!

 

 

 

 

Valentine's Day

Ah yes....how could I have forgotten Valentine's Day? Just when I thought I was through the "firsts"...

This card stopped me in my tracks...I was looking for my husband and son a card when I saw the "Mom" section.  I had to blink back the tears because if it were any other time-I would be picking out one for my Mom too. I thought to myself..."this is the first year I can not give her a card".  I took a deep breath- and pulled out my camera.  Mom would have loved this card.  Its pink, and has a cute little pearl tassel on the side.  I won't go into what the card said on the inside- but you know the type...declaring your love, thanking you for raising me, you were always there for me- the mushy stuff that I totally would send my Mom.  She would call me and tell me---thanks for making me CRY!!!  (of course she was joking).

Valentine's day is actually my Mom and Dad's Wedding Anniversary.  They would have been married 30 years this year...my heart breaks for my Dad as I know this will be a tough day for him for more than one reason.  What was once a day to celebrate  many years of marriage is now a painful reminder that Mom is no longer here. 

  Every year, Mom would send my son a Valentine's "care package" with lots of candy, and usually a cute fluffy stuffed animal and a card.  He always loved getting package's from his Mimi.  And...she would put a package of the Hershey's hugs (which I LOVE) in there just for me.  Sometimes she would even put a restaurant gift card in there for me and my husband to have a nice dinner on her.  There was one time she sent me this super cute Teddy Bear that was totally unexpected...I still have it :) She was so thoughtful and made every holiday special.

Valentine's Day is the day of love for your significant other- but also an opportunity to show love to others. God has laid it upon my heart to start a new tradition on this day.  I want to do something for someone on this day that will show them that God tells people to bless them and to show them how much He loves them.  Maybe I will bake some goodies for my neighbor who is fighting breast cancer...I am not sure yet- but I know God will tell me what to do.  I know my Mom would agree this is a good way to combat a potentially sad day- and I recommend anyone who may be hurting on this day for any reason to give it a whirl!

Yes- I will surely miss that package in special holiday wrapping, with stickers all over it- that my Mom always decorated . I will miss my "HUGS"... and I will miss sending her cards.   I would be willing to bet she is up in Heaven planning a big party for Valentine's day- because everyone who knew my Mom, knows she loved a good party.



Be Blessed!