Pictures

Every day we are so overloaded with pictures.  I am guilty of it myself- I find myself snapping photos of my son, of my food, the sky- of just about anything!  Its funny- I have so many thousands of "snapshots" that at the moment were seemingly pointless.  But I'm beginning to realize they are not pointless- because someday the person in the photos may no longer be with us.  I am so thankful that my Mom loved taking pictures- at least in her later years.  She didn't care how silly she looked with the crazy party hat or cake on her face- she indulged my love of chasing people with a camera.

When she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and the radiation and chemo caused her to start losing her hair, many of her friends brought her cute hats and scarves to wear.  I did a "photo shoot" with her- and I am so glad I did.  I have so many pictures that truly show her personality and her quirky humor.  I have pictures of her with my son, with me, with family, that I will treasure always.  I captured her cancer journey through photos- and in her last days took a photo of us holding hands so I could keep it forever.

My point?  Don't stop taking pictures.  When you have family gatherings- take snapshots and selfies (yes I said it) and get everyone together for a group picture. Overcome the groans with a smile- because even though people say they don't want to be in a picture- trust you me when they look back on them five, ten, or twenty years later they will be thankful for that memory.  In this day and age it is easier than ever to capture a memory- just don't forget to keep that memory by printing your photos and/or saving to a hard drive for safe keeping.


Take pictures- make memories- we are not promised tomorrow.

Be Blessed! 

Another Test of Faith

If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you?  Luke 12:26-28


Not what we want to hear...right?  But yet here I am....with another test.  I will not go into details at the moment, but it definitely is going to be something that I will have to lean on God for.  I will have to trust Him that there is a reason for this.  I will have to believe that no matter how minor this may seem to someone else- that God knows it means the world to me and is breaking my heart. I know there are many many people dealing with worse things, but I also know that God counts the hairs on my head- so he cares about everything that his children care about. I will have to believe that God will give me the wisdom to make the right decisions.  Sometimes I want to say- enough already!  Can we please have a break!  God knows the beginning and the end- it is not my  job to figure it out, only to trust in his timing and purpose.
 


  More than anything, I want my Mom right now. I look at her picture and just wish she could talk to me.  I want her to tell me that everything is going to be fine, and that God has equipped me to handle this. I want her to put her arms around me and tell me that she is proud of me and I am doing a great job.  I want so badly to hear her say- "I love you Baby Girl."  Would that make it all go away?  Of course not, but it sure would make me feel better.

Maybe you are going through a trial you do not understand.  In times of trials I always go back to my favorite bible verse.  Jeremiah 29:11.  I have stood on that verse many days and will continue.

The test will become a testimony one day.  I can feel it.


Be Blessed!

Just one of those days....



So today is the day that every month I dread.  The 25th... every month like clockwork I am more emotional, irritable, and sad on the days leading up to this day.  I try to tell myself that I need to be happy, and that I have so much to be happy for- which I do.  But I also have to give myself a break.  Grief has no timeline.  I can go weeks and feel fine and then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is how grief works...

We are going through the motions after my son's eye surgeries- getting check ups and making sure that everything is on point. I had "one of those days" and  I broke down and just said out loud- "I want my MOM!" and just sobbed and sobbed.  Luckily a facebook post caused my dear friend to reach out to me because she knew something was wrong. I was thankful for our talk- but she understood that in that moment, I just wanted to hear my Mom say- "you are doing a great job, and its going to be ok!"  She always knew just the right thing to say to make me feel better.

I am sure I am not alone in this- and I know that God understands that I am going to have those days.  The good thing about it all- is I don't stay that way.  I get it out of my system, usually have a good cry, and then I feel better. I pray and believe for God to continue to pour His Peace into my life.
This truly is a journey.  I have learned so many things that I feel will change my life forever. 

This is my top 10 list of things I have learned....

1.  Mom's really are the "glue" that holds the family together.

2.  We take advantage of the little things- a text, an average everyday phone call - and don't realize the value until we no longer have it.

3.  Enjoy each day- it sounds so cliche- but every day is truly a gift.  We are not promised tomorrow.

4.  I am a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

5.  Sometimes death brings people closer- and most times it pushes them further away.

6.  God allows visits from Heaven through dreams. (my favorite)

7.  Friends are God's way of taking care of us :)  (not my quote)

8.  Wearing my Mom's clothes make me feel closer to her (may be silly but it works for me)

9.  It's ok to cry and be sad for as long as I need to - its normal and I am not alone.

10.  Talking about my Mom  makes me feel better.


I have good days and bad days- even over a year later.  On my bad days, you can almost bet that you will see me in my Mom's boots and sweater, t-shirt or carrying her purse.  If you are grieving, do what makes you feel better.  Find someone who will listen to you talk about your loved one- that is all they have to do - LISTEN.  When I talk about my Mom often it is about her LIFE- not her death.  At this point in my journey, I talk about my Mom all the time- to anyone and everyone who will listen.  I think if nothing else, talking about your loved one is the best therapy you can receive.



Be Blessed!

Signs

One thing I have learned in the months since my Mom passed- is signs are every where- if you just look for them.  I have had several incidents where I just know that it was my Mom sending me love from Heaven, and it makes me smile. 

There is a yellow butterfly that I see fly through my backyard every so often- and I can't recall seeing it before Mom passed.  Who knows maybe I just wasn't paying attention- but in my heart I feel it is my Mom's way of saying hello.  The morning of my son's birthday party I was setting up outside, thinking to myself how much I wished my Mom could be there...and just like that here comes the butterfly.  I have seen it a few more times since that day- and always when I am thinking about her looking out the window or sitting in the sun.

There are days when I am driving to work, and I feel sad because my drive to work used to consist of almost daily phone calls with her.  It's so lonely now not to have that daily dose of Mom- something I took for granted for so many years- and would give anything to have again.  Sometimes, when I am driving I will feel the sun beaming down on me, warming me, and I wonder if it is my Mom's way of giving me a morning hug.

The other instances have happened when I went to visit my Mom's grave.  I was talking to Mom and just telling her how much I missed her...out of nowhere a ladybug lands on my shirt next to my heart.  Immediately I recognized it as a sign from her, and the tears started to flow.  When I was with my brother, (another time)  we were both talking about her and how much we wished she was with us, and once again the ladybugs decided to join us!  This time there were many- some on her stone, her flowers, and on us! When one landed on my arm - I kinda flipped out at first thinking it was a bee, and my brother laughed.  I am sure my Mom got a kick out of it too.

Dreams are also another way that I feel God allows us to see those who have passed on before us.  I have had several dreams about my Mom and I am so thankful for them.  The one that sticks out in my mind was not my Mom, but my grandfather.  It was shortly after Mom had passed, and I was thinking to myself and asking God  if Mom could see me- all the tears and sadness...was I hurting her?  Well a few nights later my question was answered by my Pap-Pap.  In my dream he told me that my Mom was happy, that she missed us so much- but she could not see us right now. He told me not to worry, that when the time was right she would be allowed to see us from Heaven and even visit us in our dreams...but that there were no tears in Heaven, so God is not allowing her to see our sadness right now.  I don't know why but it made me feel so much better about everything. 

The dreams I have had have been more in the past tense, where I am in situations with her where we know what is coming, but I still get a big hug and a smile, get to smell her cooking and talk to her.  Some people may not believe in signs, but I believe that God gives us these little glimpses of our loved ones to help heal our hearts.  I look forward to many more signs from my Mom- I know she is looking down on me and watching over me- my forever angel....till we meet again.  And when we do, I am going to grab her hand- and never let go.


Be Blessed!

Don't put off till tomorrow......



So last night I went to the Rodeo- for our 2nd annual "GNO" (Girls night out).  We had a great time but I couldn't help but think that this time last year- I went to the Rodeo ten days before my Mom passed away.  I was very torn about going because I knew that my Mom was getting worse and felt I needed to be with her as much as possible.  After talking to my Mom, Dad and Husband, I decided that I needed a good night out away from all I was dealing with.  I laughed, rode death trap carnival rides with one of my best friends, and sang my heart out to Blake Shelton.  (out of tune but still had a blast!). 

The following week when I went to visit Mom- it was apparent that she was going down hill at lightening speeds.  I immediately felt guilty for going to the rodeo. I showed Mom the videos of me singing and screaming like a teenager, and told her all about my experience.  She smiled and told me she was glad I went.  Little did I know- that would be my last visit with her.  I left on Saturday, She passed away at 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning.

This is how amazing our God is.  I was alternating weeks to visit Mom if I couldn't go every single week - it was a 280 mile one way trip, plus I had my family and job to tend to. If I would NOT have went to the rodeo, I would have gone to visit that weekend- and would have missed the final week of my Mom's life. I get chill bumps just thinking about it. He knew it was about time for her to go home, but allowed me that little bit of time with her in her final days.  That little twist in events allowed me to take pictures, love on her and reassure her that she was going to be ok.

Before Mom was diagnosed, we had bought Taylor Swift concert tickets.  I was so excited to go with her, the last concert I had been to was years ago- and not with her.  We talked about getting shirts made so we could look cool and we were going to make signs. My Mom loved going to concerts and had been to several with my Dad and my brother.  Three short months later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  We had to sell the tickets because her body was too weak and her immune system was too low to be around that many people.  I REALLY wish we could have went to that concert.  I asked myself, why did we wait so long to plan that?  We could have went to see any of her favorite artists- at any time....and had that awesome experience together. 

The answer is simple....we believe we have all the time in the world, so there is always time to do everything.  We believe that we and our loved ones will be around for a long time...so we just say "next time".  Next year, next Christmas, next vacation- may not come, so my advice is to do it NOW.  We only have today.  It sounds cliche but oh so true....don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.  Our days our numbered whether we want to believe it or not.  What is one thing your Mom has been asking you to do, or if your Mom is no longer with you- your husband, daughter, son, or close friend?  Make those memories, because one day- it could be all you have left.  I am thankful that I made many memories with my Mom- and I will treasure them always.

Be Blessed!

 

It's okay to be sad...

 

I am learning from my experiences and others that most people just "say something" because they feel they have to when a person brings up the loss of a loved one. Sometimes- people will say things to me like "Don't be sad- your Mom is in a better place" or " You have so much to be thankful for- don't think about what you lost, think about what you have!" or " Your Mom would not want you to be sad!"or my personal favorite "Your Mom is no longer in pain- be thankful!" Even though we may nod our head and say, that's true, what people don't realize that saying these things- although they mean well, tend to have the opposite effect. Why wouldn't I be sad???? I have read -and I agree- that comments like these tend to make the griever feel guilty or bad about expressing their emotions, and do more harm than good.

  The day of my Mom's service - I will never forget...we were at my Mom's house and everyone was sitting around after the funeral- and I said "it doesn't feel right without Mom here running around asking people if they want something to eat or drink, she would love this"...and I teared up. Someone told me "Oh don't you do that- don't start crying- your Mom wouldn't want you to cry!" I wanted to say- "um hello, we just put my Mom in the ground TODAY and I am not supposed to cry???"...but I didn't, I just wiped away my tears and walked away.

The reason for the "rant" is because people need to understand that it is okay to be sad! Just because we are sad, doesn't mean we need counseling, nor do we need someone to tell us how to be un-sad. This is something many grievers struggle with and hide because they don't want people to think they need professional help just because they are grieving. Grieving is perfectly normal- and should be expected - everyone grieves differently.

  Below is a quote that says it perfectly in my mind.

"Grief never ends....But it changes.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness,
nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love".

~Author unknown


What I take from this quote is that we will always grieve in some way for our loved ones. Sure, as the years go by the sad thoughts and painful memories will be replaced with fond memories and good times. We are not meant to stay at that place where all we want to do is cry, but we must be given as much time as needed to continue on our path to healing.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, the best thing you can do is just listen. Let them talk about their family member or friend freely. Don't tell them you understand- because you couldn't possibly understand what they are going through....every loss is different. They may want to reminisce about good memories, or they may want share details of their journey if it was a slow loss. It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but I promise it is healing for the griever, and the more you listen the easier it will get. Chances are you will learn something you didn't know and will be able to get a glimpse into that persons experience and their heart.


Be Blessed!

Hope

Hope....

noun: hope; plural noun: hopes

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

 

I love this word.  Just saying it makes me smile.  Hope....a feeling of expectation. 

Hebrews 11:1 says Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

 

But sometimes- things happen,and no matter how much you hope and pray- believe and have faith- you do not get what you hoped for.  I was reading a book that was supposed to be about healing- and I actually threw it away after reading one of the q and a's.  The question was- why do some people get healed and others do not?  The answer- in a short form so I don't make myself angry- was "because they did not believe they could be healed- they did not "receive" their healing.

 

WHAT????  Does that mean they did not have enough hope?

 

Wait a minute- hold the phone.  They went on to say that this is not the case all the time....but.blah blah blah.... wow.  If I was someone battling cancer or any other sickness- and I did not have my beliefs firmly implanted in my spirit- I may think..."ok - so if I don't get healed its my fault." NO.  This is wrong, and it makes me sad that there are people out there who think that way. 

 

 

 

Anyone who knew my Mom- knew how much she had hope. Her and I both believed that she would be healed.  There were not any if, ands or buts about it.  It was just going to happen and we couldn't wait to see it.  When the tumors came back- it was ok because God had healed her once, and he would do it again.  Then she went to be with the Lord eight months later.

 

 There will come a day when I am reunited with her it will all be clear.  I do know one thing- it had NOTHING to do with her lack of faith, that she didn't pray enough or she didn't receive her healing. It wasn't because I didn't pray hard enough, or beg God enough.  God is not up there with a lightening bolt waiting for us to make a mistake! He certainly is not saying "Too bad, if she would have only had more faith I could have healed her!"  That is NOT our God. 

 

There is a song called It's Not Over by Ricardo Sanchez.  We played it at my Mom's service- and I listened to it probably more than 100 times in the months before she passed.

 

 

"I know its dark, just before dawn.

This might be the hardest season you've experienced. 

I know it hurts, but it won't be too long-

you are closer than you think you are-

you are closer than you have been before.

 

So look to the sky- help is on the way.

 

It's not over, it's not finished. 

It's not ending, it's only the beginning.

When God is in it...all things are new.

 

Something is moving, turning around
Seasons are changing; everything is different now
Here comes the sun piercing the clouds
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way
Our God is faithful, He's faithful to say:

It's not over.....

 

The song continues on for about six minutes.  It's a beautiful song of hope.

 

 

Mom had shared this song with me just weeks before she passed away. I remember sitting by her hospital bed trying not to cry as I listened to the words.  She had a smile on her face- and was singing along- with the tv turned up as loud as it could go.  I am so thankful that my Mom knew that God loved her and she was in line with His will.  She would tell me- "I have made my peace- if it's my time, it's my time."  Looking back- I believe that she was preparing herself for her journey to Heaven.

 

Up until recently, I had applied this song to Mom's cancer journey and then her death. The last part- "here comes the sun piercing the clouds"...gets me every time.  Now she gets to see the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets- everything is beautiful- and she is happy and whole.

 

Now I apply this to my own life.  "Something is moving, turning around- seasons are changing- everything is different now" - isn't that the truth.  But It's NOT over!  It's NOT finished!  It's NOT ending.  It's only the BEGINNING.  I have hope.

 

 

 

Be Blessed!