Tuesday, March 25, 2014


It is hard to believe I have lived a year without my Mom.  I never imagined I would have to live without her so soon. She was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.  She was the most wonderful person- anyone who spent any time with her could attest to that.  She was beautiful inside and out- and loved with everything she had.  She was the type of person that truly would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  She could laugh at herself- and was laid back and easy going--unless you messed with her family!  She raised so many kids over the years through her daycare and was very proud of that accomplishment. 

I moved away thirteen years ago, and we didn't get to see each other as much as we would have liked.  There were times that we only saw each other twice a year.  We talked almost every day, and as texting and facebook became more common we did that too.  When my son was born, that changed- my Mom made every effort to come see us as often as she could, and we did the same.  She loved being a Mimi.  The last two years we spent more time together than we did the entire thirteen years I had been gone.  I am so thankful for that time.

When she got sick- my Mom amazed me.  She was so full of faith, and people that came to visit her would leave encouraged- when they were the ones that came to encourage her!  She fought with everything she had, celebrated the victories and thanked God for her healing in advance.  As her body and her mind turned against her- in her moments of clarity she still praised God- and then told us that she had made her peace.  That was when it became real that she could be leaving me....soon.

Watching my Mom slowly leave this world will probably go down as one of the most difficult times in my life. I really had to lean on God to make it through.  I would go to see her as much as I could- and every time, she got a little worse- it was heartbreaking.  I never let her see me get upset- and believe you me, from diagnosis to hospice, there were several times she would look into my eyes for a reaction when something happened- or we got a bad report.  I remained positive, and told her how proud I was of her.  I know we were so scared- but in my mind, we both remained strong for our family.

The last day I was there I didn't want to leave.  Something was telling me to stay but I didn't have a choice- I had to work that Monday. I didn't tell my Mom good-bye. That last week she would get very upset and cry when someone would leave so I was asked not to tell her goodbye so I left when she fell asleep.   I had to stop off at my best friends house because I was so distraught and couldn't see through my tears to drive.  Looking back- I think I knew in my heart of hearts- that would be the last time I would see her on this earth. I really wished I would have said good-bye anyways.

At 4:00 a.m. on March 25, 2013- my Dad called and told me my precious Mom had went to be with Jesus.  She left peacefully in her sleep...I am so thankful for that.  I lost a piece of my heart that day. The drive there, and the days that followed I felt numb.  I think I was in shock.  I went through the motions and thought I was going to lose it when we had to pick out her burial plot, casket, and music.  I was basically in charge of everything.  I had to make the best of the situation and put my heart and soul into planning her service and eulogy.  It was like I was watching a movie- I will never forget it.

I miss her so very much.  I am sad that she will not see my brother get married, or my son graduate high school.  She never got to stay in the room we designated as "Mimi's Room" in our new home.  There will be no more trips to the lake "motorboatin" with a coors light in her hand. There is so much that I am going to miss....there is so much she is going to miss.  I am thankful for the memories I made with her.  I have so many- that I can look back on and smile.- I have many pictures and videos as well.  I am thankful that she is in Heaven now, and I know she is blessed beyond measure because she did so much for others on this earth.  God Blessed me with an amazing Mom who taught me so much about life, love, faith and strength. I see so much of her in me now that I never noticed before.   I am my Mother's Daughter.

Be Blessed!

~Patty's Baby Girl

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


One thing I have learned in the months since my Mom passed- is signs are every where- if you just look for them.  I have had several incidents where I just know that it was my Mom sending me love from Heaven, and it makes me smile. 

There is a yellow butterfly that I see fly through my backyard every so often- and I can't recall seeing it before Mom passed.  Who knows maybe I just wasn't paying attention- but in my heart I feel it is my Mom's way of saying hello.  The morning of my son's birthday party I was setting up outside, thinking to myself how much I wished my Mom could be there...and just like that here comes the butterfly.  I have seen it a few more times since that day- and always when I am thinking about her looking out the window or sitting in the sun.

There are days when I am driving to work, and I feel sad because my drive to work used to consist of almost daily phone calls with her.  It's so lonely now not to have that daily dose of Mom- something I took for granted for so many years- and would give anything to have again.  Sometimes, when I am driving I will feel the sun beaming down on me, warming me, and I wonder if it is my Mom's way of giving me a morning hug.

The other instances have happened when I went to visit my Mom's grave.  I was talking to Mom and just telling her how much I missed her...out of nowhere a ladybug lands on my shirt next to my heart.  Immediately I recognized it as a sign from her, and the tears started to flow.  When I was with my brother, (another time)  we were both talking about her and how much we wished she was with us, and once again the ladybugs decided to join us!  This time there were many- some on her stone, her flowers, and on us! When one landed on my arm - I kinda flipped out at first thinking it was a bee, and my brother laughed.  I am sure my Mom got a kick out of it too.

Dreams are also another way that I feel God allows us to see those who have passed on before us.  I have had several dreams about my Mom and I am so thankful for them.  The one that sticks out in my mind was not my Mom, but my grandfather.  It was shortly after Mom had passed, and I was thinking to myself and asking God  if Mom could see me- all the tears and sadness...was I hurting her?  Well a few nights later my question was answered by my Pap-Pap.  In my dream he told me that my Mom was happy, that she missed us so much- but she could not see us right now. He told me not to worry, that when the time was right she would be allowed to see us from Heaven and even visit us in our dreams...but that there were no tears in Heaven, so God is not allowing her to see our sadness right now.  I don't know why but it made me feel so much better about everything. 

The dreams I have had have been more in the past tense, where I am in situations with her where we know what is coming, but I still get a big hug and a smile, get to smell her cooking and talk to her.  Some people may not believe in signs, but I believe that God gives us these little glimpses of our loved ones to help heal our hearts.  I look forward to many more signs from my Mom- I know she is looking down on me and watching over me- my forever angel....till we meet again.  And when we do, I am going to grab her hand- and never let go.

Be Blessed!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Don't put off till tomorrow......

So last night I went to the Rodeo- for our 2nd annual "GNO" (Girls night out).  We had a great time but I couldn't help but think that this time last year- I went to the Rodeo ten days before my Mom passed away.  I was very torn about going because I knew that my Mom was getting worse and felt I needed to be with her as much as possible.  After talking to my Mom, Dad and Husband, I decided that I needed a good night out away from all I was dealing with.  I laughed, rode death trap carnival rides with one of my best friends, and sang my heart out to Blake Shelton.  (out of tune but still had a blast!). 

The following week when I went to visit Mom- it was apparent that she was going down hill at lightening speeds.  I immediately felt guilty for going to the rodeo. I showed Mom the videos of me singing and screaming like a teenager, and told her all about my experience.  She smiled and told me she was glad I went.  Little did I know- that would be my last visit with her.  I left on Saturday, She passed away at 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning.

This is how amazing our God is.  I was alternating weeks to visit Mom if I couldn't go every single week - it was a 280 mile one way trip, plus I had my family and job to tend to. If I would NOT have went to the rodeo, I would have gone to visit that weekend- and would have missed the final week of my Mom's life. I get chill bumps just thinking about it. He knew it was about time for her to go home, but allowed me that little bit of time with her in her final days.  That little twist in events allowed me to take pictures, love on her and reassure her that she was going to be ok.

Before Mom was diagnosed, we had bought Taylor Swift concert tickets.  I was so excited to go with her, the last concert I had been to was years ago- and not with her.  We talked about getting shirts made so we could look cool and we were going to make signs. My Mom loved going to concerts and had been to several with my Dad and my brother.  Three short months later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  We had to sell the tickets because her body was too weak and her immune system was too low to be around that many people.  I REALLY wish we could have went to that concert.  I asked myself, why did we wait so long to plan that?  We could have went to see any of her favorite artists- at any time....and had that awesome experience together. 

The answer is simple....we believe we have all the time in the world, so there is always time to do everything.  We believe that we and our loved ones will be around for a long time...so we just say "next time".  Next year, next Christmas, next vacation- may not come, so my advice is to do it NOW.  We only have today.  It sounds cliche but oh so true....don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.  Our days our numbered whether we want to believe it or not.  What is one thing your Mom has been asking you to do, or if your Mom is no longer with you- your husband, daughter, son, or close friend?  Make those memories, because one day- it could be all you have left.  I am thankful that I made many memories with my Mom- and I will treasure them always.

Be Blessed!