Wednesday, September 24, 2014

548 Days....


Tomorrow marks a year and a half since Mom went to Heaven.  It is hard for me to fathom that it has been 548 days since I have heard her voice or seen her smile.  Its hard for me to grasp at times that I will never again see her on this earth.  It is hard for me to accept that I will have to live out my days without my Mom's advice guiding me through.  There are days that I will admit I am still in denial.  I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes I allow myself to think that I am just not seeing her because she is 280 miles away.  On some days- that helps me feel better.

This time of year is bittersweet for me.  I love fall and the holidays.  We have three birthdays in one week in October- we turn around twice and it is turkey day and then Christmas!  The reason I say it is bittersweet is because Mom was always here for my son's birthday and we always went to visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas if time would allow.  She made every holiday special from the time I was little until she went home to be with the Lord.  Each holiday brings a reminder that she is gone.

I have people tell me- oh you are so strong!  You are handling this so well!  Well - looks can be deceiving.  Today I am a girl who wants her mother so badly.  I want to curl up into a ball and just cry but I can't.  I want her back.  I need her.  I miss her.  I know it is not possible but it doesn't change how I feel.  On days like today I have so many questions that I will never get the answers to.  Silly things that you only talk to your Mom about.  More important issues like parenting, marriage, and life in general.  I want to listen to her tell me about her day and how she is doing.  What I wouldn't give to hear her say- "ok first I am going to vent and then it will be your turn".  Things that people take for granted every day- I admit I took it for granted too.

Please don't mistake this post to mean I am losing it or that I want people to feel sorry for me.  Most days - I am great.  Most days I have a smile on my face and carry on without the "great sadness".  Today is just one of those days that I don't want to.  That is what a grief journey looks like.
It is a rollercoaster of emotions- up and down- up and down.  But I will be o.k. I promise.

Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5b

Tomorrow is a new day.

So Mom- I have a few questions for you.  See you in my dreams.

"Dancing In The Sky"
Dani and Lizzy
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived

Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the the angels' choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Since you arrived.
I hope this helps someone.  You are not alone. I feel that way too.
Be Blessed, 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

My Mother's Eyes

I was changing my desktop background at work with this photo- and something caught my attention-
my Mother's eyes.  I never noticed it before but if you look closely you can see around her eyes are red from crying- but they are happy tears.  This picture was taken the day we had a early surprise birthday party for her.  I made her favorite "pineapple upside down cake" and when she was outside playing with her grandson we managed to decorate and get everything ready without her knowing. She walked in and was shocked as we began to sing happy birthday.  She told me many times this was one of her favorite days.  She told me how much it meant to her for to go through all that trouble just for her.  This was in 2010 which was one year before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. 

It got me to thinking about her eyes and  how people used to tell me they could tell who my mother was by my eyes.  I always took that as a compliment.  I see more of her features every day when I look in the mirror- something I am very proud of.  I always thought my Mom was a natural beauty,  not many people can go around without make-up and look amazing- I know I can't!  My eyes are my favorite feature (not being conceited) and I have her to thank for that.

When I think of my Mother's eyes, she looked through her eyes of faith.  She inspired me so much because she never quit and never gave up.  She always believed in God's plan, even though it may not have been the plan she had in mind.  She had eyes of determination, with every treatment- with every doctor visit- she was determined that she was going to fight until she had no fight left.  She had eyes of love...when I came to visit,  the way she would look so excited and run to the door to give me a big hug - I miss those days.  She had eyes of compassion- anyone who knew her could attest to that.  She was the first one ready to help anyone in need whether she knew them or not.  Whether someone had a death in the family, a fire, or an illness, she would rummage through her closets for items to donate or cook up a big meal to take over.

 I miss my Mother's eyes.  I miss how she would look at me when I tried on something she bought for me. She would always say "that's so cute!" and then she would say "You are probably too old for "cute" but you will always be my baby girl."  I miss how she would smile and tear up when she was   proud of me.  I even miss her "look" when I knew I was in trouble (mostly when I was younger, she could stop me in my tracks with one look).  I miss how when she laughed her eyes smiled too.  I have heard a saying "The eyes are the window to the soul" and I believe that is so true.  Mom has a beautiful soul.

As a travel down this road I am finding ways to cope with my Mom's death.  What has helped me most is remembering.  Remembering her eyes, her voice, her smile and her hugs.  I lean on God during the tough days and remember the good times. I pray that the Lord will give me the courage and the wisdom to honor her memory and help others.  I hope people can see that I also have the compassion, love, determination and faith like my Mother does. 

Be Blessed!