Angelversary

It is hard to believe I have lived a year without my Mom.  I never imagined I would have to live without her so soon. She was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.  She was the most wonderful person- anyone who spent any time with her could attest to that.  She was beautiful inside and out- and loved with everything she had.  She was the type of person that truly would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  She could laugh at herself- and was laid back and easy going--unless you messed with her family!  She raised so many kids over the years through her daycare and was very proud of that accomplishment. 

I moved away thirteen years ago, and we didn't get to see each other as much as we would have liked.  There were times that we only saw each other twice a year.  We talked almost every day, and as texting and facebook became more common we did that too.  When my son was born, that changed- my Mom made every effort to come see us as often as she could, and we did the same.  She loved being a Mimi.  The last two years we spent more time together than we did the entire thirteen years I had been gone.  I am so thankful for that time.

When she got sick- my Mom amazed me.  She was so full of faith, and people that came to visit her would leave encouraged- when they were the ones that came to encourage her!  She fought with everything she had, celebrated the victories and thanked God for her healing in advance.  As her body and her mind turned against her- in her moments of clarity she still praised God- and then told us that she had made her peace.  That was when it became real that she could be leaving me....soon.

Watching my Mom slowly leave this world will probably go down as one of the most difficult times in my life. I really had to lean on God to make it through.  I would go to see her as much as I could- and every time, she got a little worse- it was heartbreaking.  I never let her see me get upset- and believe you me, from diagnosis to hospice, there were several times she would look into my eyes for a reaction when something happened- or we got a bad report.  I remained positive, and told her how proud I was of her.  I know we were so scared- but in my mind, we both remained strong for our family.

The last day I was there I didn't want to leave.  Something was telling me to stay but I didn't have a choice- I had to work that Monday. I didn't tell my Mom good-bye. That last week she would get very upset and cry when someone would leave so I was asked not to tell her goodbye so I left when she fell asleep.   I had to stop off at my best friends house because I was so distraught and couldn't see through my tears to drive.  Looking back- I think I knew in my heart of hearts- that would be the last time I would see her on this earth. I really wished I would have said good-bye anyways.

At 4:00 a.m. on March 25, 2013- my Dad called and told me my precious Mom had went to be with Jesus.  She left peacefully in her sleep...I am so thankful for that.  I lost a piece of my heart that day. The drive there, and the days that followed I felt numb.  I think I was in shock.  I went through the motions and thought I was going to lose it when we had to pick out her burial plot, casket, and music.  I was basically in charge of everything.  I had to make the best of the situation and put my heart and soul into planning her service and eulogy.  It was like I was watching a movie- I will never forget it.

I miss her so very much.  I am sad that she will not see my brother get married, or my son graduate high school.  She never got to stay in the room we designated as "Mimi's Room" in our new home.  There will be no more trips to the lake "motorboatin" with a coors light in her hand. There is so much that I am going to miss....there is so much she is going to miss.  I am thankful for the memories I made with her.  I have so many- that I can look back on and smile.- I have many pictures and videos as well.  I am thankful that she is in Heaven now, and I know she is blessed beyond measure because she did so much for others on this earth.  God Blessed me with an amazing Mom who taught me so much about life, love, faith and strength. I see so much of her in me now that I never noticed before.   I am my Mother's Daughter.

Be Blessed!

~Patty's Baby Girl

Signs

One thing I have learned in the months since my Mom passed- is signs are every where- if you just look for them.  I have had several incidents where I just know that it was my Mom sending me love from Heaven, and it makes me smile. 

There is a yellow butterfly that I see fly through my backyard every so often- and I can't recall seeing it before Mom passed.  Who knows maybe I just wasn't paying attention- but in my heart I feel it is my Mom's way of saying hello.  The morning of my son's birthday party I was setting up outside, thinking to myself how much I wished my Mom could be there...and just like that here comes the butterfly.  I have seen it a few more times since that day- and always when I am thinking about her looking out the window or sitting in the sun.

There are days when I am driving to work, and I feel sad because my drive to work used to consist of almost daily phone calls with her.  It's so lonely now not to have that daily dose of Mom- something I took for granted for so many years- and would give anything to have again.  Sometimes, when I am driving I will feel the sun beaming down on me, warming me, and I wonder if it is my Mom's way of giving me a morning hug.

The other instances have happened when I went to visit my Mom's grave.  I was talking to Mom and just telling her how much I missed her...out of nowhere a ladybug lands on my shirt next to my heart.  Immediately I recognized it as a sign from her, and the tears started to flow.  When I was with my brother, (another time)  we were both talking about her and how much we wished she was with us, and once again the ladybugs decided to join us!  This time there were many- some on her stone, her flowers, and on us! When one landed on my arm - I kinda flipped out at first thinking it was a bee, and my brother laughed.  I am sure my Mom got a kick out of it too.

Dreams are also another way that I feel God allows us to see those who have passed on before us.  I have had several dreams about my Mom and I am so thankful for them.  The one that sticks out in my mind was not my Mom, but my grandfather.  It was shortly after Mom had passed, and I was thinking to myself and asking God  if Mom could see me- all the tears and sadness...was I hurting her?  Well a few nights later my question was answered by my Pap-Pap.  In my dream he told me that my Mom was happy, that she missed us so much- but she could not see us right now. He told me not to worry, that when the time was right she would be allowed to see us from Heaven and even visit us in our dreams...but that there were no tears in Heaven, so God is not allowing her to see our sadness right now.  I don't know why but it made me feel so much better about everything. 

The dreams I have had have been more in the past tense, where I am in situations with her where we know what is coming, but I still get a big hug and a smile, get to smell her cooking and talk to her.  Some people may not believe in signs, but I believe that God gives us these little glimpses of our loved ones to help heal our hearts.  I look forward to many more signs from my Mom- I know she is looking down on me and watching over me- my forever angel....till we meet again.  And when we do, I am going to grab her hand- and never let go.


Be Blessed!

Don't put off till tomorrow......



So last night I went to the Rodeo- for our 2nd annual "GNO" (Girls night out).  We had a great time but I couldn't help but think that this time last year- I went to the Rodeo ten days before my Mom passed away.  I was very torn about going because I knew that my Mom was getting worse and felt I needed to be with her as much as possible.  After talking to my Mom, Dad and Husband, I decided that I needed a good night out away from all I was dealing with.  I laughed, rode death trap carnival rides with one of my best friends, and sang my heart out to Blake Shelton.  (out of tune but still had a blast!). 

The following week when I went to visit Mom- it was apparent that she was going down hill at lightening speeds.  I immediately felt guilty for going to the rodeo. I showed Mom the videos of me singing and screaming like a teenager, and told her all about my experience.  She smiled and told me she was glad I went.  Little did I know- that would be my last visit with her.  I left on Saturday, She passed away at 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning.

This is how amazing our God is.  I was alternating weeks to visit Mom if I couldn't go every single week - it was a 280 mile one way trip, plus I had my family and job to tend to. If I would NOT have went to the rodeo, I would have gone to visit that weekend- and would have missed the final week of my Mom's life. I get chill bumps just thinking about it. He knew it was about time for her to go home, but allowed me that little bit of time with her in her final days.  That little twist in events allowed me to take pictures, love on her and reassure her that she was going to be ok.

Before Mom was diagnosed, we had bought Taylor Swift concert tickets.  I was so excited to go with her, the last concert I had been to was years ago- and not with her.  We talked about getting shirts made so we could look cool and we were going to make signs. My Mom loved going to concerts and had been to several with my Dad and my brother.  Three short months later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  We had to sell the tickets because her body was too weak and her immune system was too low to be around that many people.  I REALLY wish we could have went to that concert.  I asked myself, why did we wait so long to plan that?  We could have went to see any of her favorite artists- at any time....and had that awesome experience together. 

The answer is simple....we believe we have all the time in the world, so there is always time to do everything.  We believe that we and our loved ones will be around for a long time...so we just say "next time".  Next year, next Christmas, next vacation- may not come, so my advice is to do it NOW.  We only have today.  It sounds cliche but oh so true....don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.  Our days our numbered whether we want to believe it or not.  What is one thing your Mom has been asking you to do, or if your Mom is no longer with you- your husband, daughter, son, or close friend?  Make those memories, because one day- it could be all you have left.  I am thankful that I made many memories with my Mom- and I will treasure them always.

Be Blessed!

 

It's okay to be sad...

 

I am learning from my experiences and others that most people just "say something" because they feel they have to when a person brings up the loss of a loved one. Sometimes- people will say things to me like "Don't be sad- your Mom is in a better place" or " You have so much to be thankful for- don't think about what you lost, think about what you have!" or " Your Mom would not want you to be sad!"or my personal favorite "Your Mom is no longer in pain- be thankful!" Even though we may nod our head and say, that's true, what people don't realize that saying these things- although they mean well, tend to have the opposite effect. Why wouldn't I be sad???? I have read -and I agree- that comments like these tend to make the griever feel guilty or bad about expressing their emotions, and do more harm than good.

  The day of my Mom's service - I will never forget...we were at my Mom's house and everyone was sitting around after the funeral- and I said "it doesn't feel right without Mom here running around asking people if they want something to eat or drink, she would love this"...and I teared up. Someone told me "Oh don't you do that- don't start crying- your Mom wouldn't want you to cry!" I wanted to say- "um hello, we just put my Mom in the ground TODAY and I am not supposed to cry???"...but I didn't, I just wiped away my tears and walked away.

The reason for the "rant" is because people need to understand that it is okay to be sad! Just because we are sad, doesn't mean we need counseling, nor do we need someone to tell us how to be un-sad. This is something many grievers struggle with and hide because they don't want people to think they need professional help just because they are grieving. Grieving is perfectly normal- and should be expected - everyone grieves differently.

  Below is a quote that says it perfectly in my mind.

"Grief never ends....But it changes.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness,
nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love".

~Author unknown


What I take from this quote is that we will always grieve in some way for our loved ones. Sure, as the years go by the sad thoughts and painful memories will be replaced with fond memories and good times. We are not meant to stay at that place where all we want to do is cry, but we must be given as much time as needed to continue on our path to healing.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, the best thing you can do is just listen. Let them talk about their family member or friend freely. Don't tell them you understand- because you couldn't possibly understand what they are going through....every loss is different. They may want to reminisce about good memories, or they may want share details of their journey if it was a slow loss. It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but I promise it is healing for the griever, and the more you listen the easier it will get. Chances are you will learn something you didn't know and will be able to get a glimpse into that persons experience and their heart.


Be Blessed!

Hope

Hope....

noun: hope; plural noun: hopes

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

 

I love this word.  Just saying it makes me smile.  Hope....a feeling of expectation. 

Hebrews 11:1 says Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

 

But sometimes- things happen,and no matter how much you hope and pray- believe and have faith- you do not get what you hoped for.  I was reading a book that was supposed to be about healing- and I actually threw it away after reading one of the q and a's.  The question was- why do some people get healed and others do not?  The answer- in a short form so I don't make myself angry- was "because they did not believe they could be healed- they did not "receive" their healing.

 

WHAT????  Does that mean they did not have enough hope?

 

Wait a minute- hold the phone.  They went on to say that this is not the case all the time....but.blah blah blah.... wow.  If I was someone battling cancer or any other sickness- and I did not have my beliefs firmly implanted in my spirit- I may think..."ok - so if I don't get healed its my fault." NO.  This is wrong, and it makes me sad that there are people out there who think that way. 

 

 

 

Anyone who knew my Mom- knew how much she had hope. Her and I both believed that she would be healed.  There were not any if, ands or buts about it.  It was just going to happen and we couldn't wait to see it.  When the tumors came back- it was ok because God had healed her once, and he would do it again.  Then she went to be with the Lord eight months later.

 

 There will come a day when I am reunited with her it will all be clear.  I do know one thing- it had NOTHING to do with her lack of faith, that she didn't pray enough or she didn't receive her healing. It wasn't because I didn't pray hard enough, or beg God enough.  God is not up there with a lightening bolt waiting for us to make a mistake! He certainly is not saying "Too bad, if she would have only had more faith I could have healed her!"  That is NOT our God. 

 

There is a song called It's Not Over by Ricardo Sanchez.  We played it at my Mom's service- and I listened to it probably more than 100 times in the months before she passed.

 

 

"I know its dark, just before dawn.

This might be the hardest season you've experienced. 

I know it hurts, but it won't be too long-

you are closer than you think you are-

you are closer than you have been before.

 

So look to the sky- help is on the way.

 

It's not over, it's not finished. 

It's not ending, it's only the beginning.

When God is in it...all things are new.

 

Something is moving, turning around
Seasons are changing; everything is different now
Here comes the sun piercing the clouds
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way
Our God is faithful, He's faithful to say:

It's not over.....

 

The song continues on for about six minutes.  It's a beautiful song of hope.

 

 

Mom had shared this song with me just weeks before she passed away. I remember sitting by her hospital bed trying not to cry as I listened to the words.  She had a smile on her face- and was singing along- with the tv turned up as loud as it could go.  I am so thankful that my Mom knew that God loved her and she was in line with His will.  She would tell me- "I have made my peace- if it's my time, it's my time."  Looking back- I believe that she was preparing herself for her journey to Heaven.

 

Up until recently, I had applied this song to Mom's cancer journey and then her death. The last part- "here comes the sun piercing the clouds"...gets me every time.  Now she gets to see the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets- everything is beautiful- and she is happy and whole.

 

Now I apply this to my own life.  "Something is moving, turning around- seasons are changing- everything is different now" - isn't that the truth.  But It's NOT over!  It's NOT finished!  It's NOT ending.  It's only the BEGINNING.  I have hope.

 

 

 

Be Blessed!

 

 

 

 

Valentine's Day

Ah yes....how could I have forgotten Valentine's Day? Just when I thought I was through the "firsts"...

This card stopped me in my tracks...I was looking for my husband and son a card when I saw the "Mom" section.  I had to blink back the tears because if it were any other time-I would be picking out one for my Mom too. I thought to myself..."this is the first year I can not give her a card".  I took a deep breath- and pulled out my camera.  Mom would have loved this card.  Its pink, and has a cute little pearl tassel on the side.  I won't go into what the card said on the inside- but you know the type...declaring your love, thanking you for raising me, you were always there for me- the mushy stuff that I totally would send my Mom.  She would call me and tell me---thanks for making me CRY!!!  (of course she was joking).

Valentine's day is actually my Mom and Dad's Wedding Anniversary.  They would have been married 30 years this year...my heart breaks for my Dad as I know this will be a tough day for him for more than one reason.  What was once a day to celebrate  many years of marriage is now a painful reminder that Mom is no longer here. 

  Every year, Mom would send my son a Valentine's "care package" with lots of candy, and usually a cute fluffy stuffed animal and a card.  He always loved getting package's from his Mimi.  And...she would put a package of the Hershey's hugs (which I LOVE) in there just for me.  Sometimes she would even put a restaurant gift card in there for me and my husband to have a nice dinner on her.  There was one time she sent me this super cute Teddy Bear that was totally unexpected...I still have it :) She was so thoughtful and made every holiday special.

Valentine's Day is the day of love for your significant other- but also an opportunity to show love to others. God has laid it upon my heart to start a new tradition on this day.  I want to do something for someone on this day that will show them that God tells people to bless them and to show them how much He loves them.  Maybe I will bake some goodies for my neighbor who is fighting breast cancer...I am not sure yet- but I know God will tell me what to do.  I know my Mom would agree this is a good way to combat a potentially sad day- and I recommend anyone who may be hurting on this day for any reason to give it a whirl!

Yes- I will surely miss that package in special holiday wrapping, with stickers all over it- that my Mom always decorated . I will miss my "HUGS"... and I will miss sending her cards.   I would be willing to bet she is up in Heaven planning a big party for Valentine's day- because everyone who knew my Mom, knows she loved a good party.



Be Blessed!

Why?

I was talking with my best friend Ashley the other day, and I was sharing with her how I had learned that my next door neighbor now has breast cancer.  I told her that I just don't understand why cancer keeps finding its way back into my life.  Its hard to really grasp unless you have been there, but every time that cancer shows itself, whether is someone you know or not-  it brings back all those painful memories.  Your heart breaks for the family because cancer can rip your family apart, it takes an emotional toll on everyone involved- and of course there is that chance that the person will not survive.  Then she said something that stopped me in my tracks...."have you asked God why?"  The look on my face said it all....no- I sure haven't.

My friend did not upset me, but I definitely jumped to defend myself.  She didn't mean anything negative, she just wanted to share with me that I can boldly ask God anything, like WHY?...or even better...WHAT?  What is the reason that cancer keeps popping into my life?  What do you want me to do with this pain God?  What are you trying to show me?  What do you want me to DO?

I guess I thought I wasn't meant to know the why...but to just trust God- that His ways are not my ways, you know scriptures people toss at you from time to time.  Maybe I was afraid that if I ask why- that my pain and borderline anger will surface-  or maybe that was my way of not dealing with the why- just don't ask!  The why is probably what I don't want to hear- but the what...now that is something that could bring healing and peace- doing something.

I am angry at the situation, that my Mom lost her life at a young 51, but I do not feel anger towards God.  After all- she is in Heaven now-pain free and with her family- and that is every believers goal- or finish line so to speak....right?  Yes- this is true- but everyone wants to finish the race together, but unfortunately that is not how it works. We are the ones left with the pain and sadness of losing our loved ones- to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts- they are having the time of their lives with our Lord!
 
I feel that God used Ashley to stir my heart...it bothered me enough that I thought about it for a few days . I even talked to my other best friend Heather, and she shared some insight that was right in line with what Ashley was telling me....and I knew it was one of those God moments that I needed to pay attention to.

So in my own way- I am slowly asking God what, and why.  I have said that this year is going to be the year of my Breakthrough- and that I am going to do anything I feel God wants me to do especially if it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  Asking these questions, and the answers- make me nervous.  Maybe I  am not ready for the why?  Maybe I am not yet strong enough?  This definitely qualifies for taking me out of my comfort zone!

One thing is for certain- God has revealed a small piece of the WHAT this week.  A few months ago- I reached out to the Lung Cancer Alliance on a whim- because I wanted to do something to honor my Mom's memory and raise lung cancer awareness.  She told me I couldn't have called at a better time because she has been looking for people to put together the very first "Lung Love Walk" in Houston of all places!  I have been waiting for her to touch base with me- and she contacted me this week to let me know we would have our first meeting in February to start the process to have the walk THIS year.  I am so excited to be a part of this and I do feel that this is part of the WHAT that God wants me to do.  

I am again reminded of my favorite verse...Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you- to give you a future and a hope...." and let me tell you...I am really excited about those plans!

Be Blessed!